Bonnie Tyler’s lyrics “Where have all the good men gone?” keep repeating in my head countless times for the past few days.
It has been exactly a year since I posted “Let’s have Jew sex”, one of my most popular posts, where I shared my personal experience with dating apps.
A year later, I’m ready to admit it; I’m a 38-year-old woman and I don’t want to be single anymore. I’m ready for a relationship, though I’m having a hard time figuring out the right way to go about it.
About a week ago, I was matched with a guy in one of the dating apps. After a short conversation, we exchanged numbers and began texting back and forth for a couple of days. The good old boring “how was your day” type of texts.
This past weekend, it was snowing in Atlanta; it was beautiful, especially with the holiday decorations outside. It was cold, but I was still hoping that the weather won’t stop us from meeting each other.
Instead, he texted me a rude message asking about my “endless masturbation abilities over the weekend.” Needless to say, we’ve never met and never will.
I read the text over and over again just to make sure I read it correctly; I started debating with myself whether or not I should reply or just ignore.
I even thought to myself, “What if he apologizes, should I still give him a chance?” It took me a minute or two to get my thoughts together. I felt kinda violated, like “what makes this total stranger think that he can talk to me like this?”
I am writing this post with tears in my eyes.
“Am I going to stay single forever?” I texted my friend a copy of his message.
She immediately replied back: “You are not going to stay single forever, silly. You just have to keep trying.”
I know that not all guys are jerks, just like I know that the sun will rise in the morning. However, not only is it difficult to put yourself out there, if a guy like this comes your way, all you want to do is give up on dating and crawl back into your comfort zone.
It’s not like my happiness depends on having or not having a man in my life.
The honest truth is that I don’t want to give up. I do want a partner, a lover, and a best friend to share my life with.
I do want to feel loved.
To come to this realization and writing these words down isn’t easy for me at all.
For the past few weeks, as 2018 is about to begin, I am debating with myself if finding love is going to be on my list for the New Year resolutions.
I’m beginning to think that this text message was kind of a wake-up call for me, so I have made the decision of finding love my number one goal for 2018.
I decided to put myself out there in the most vulnerable and exposed way that I know, just like I once wrote, “I want to fall in love and not fall from Vertigo.”
I went through my notes from the last year, and I found a list I wrote: “What I want in a man”.
I remember writing this list after spending a few days with a guy who made me think what I Don’t want, so I came up with the list of what I do want.
- I want him to walk with me, by my side and not ahead of me
- I want him to give me compliments
- My best friend
- Wanting to take photos with me
- Show affection
- Smells good
- Well Dressed
- Aware of his weaknesses
- Love my laugh
- Loves food
- World traveler
Ok, let’s be honest, I am realistic. I will consider myself a lucky woman if I find a man that loves me the way I am.
2018 bring it on.
*Photo credit: Elis Avellan